Prior to the release of Serenity, the studio-hosted Browncoats website hosted a number of contests, including one calling for fans’ versions of the vows said by Zoë and Wash when they were married. I couldn’t settle for merely writing vows—I had to write the whole scene.
“Why did I let you talk me into this?” muttered Zoë.
Wash gave her his idea of a coy grin and said, “No huggy, no kissy, until I get a wedding ring.” Then he pushed open the door to the Alliance Building and bowed. “Ladies first.”
With a sigh and a tolerant look, Zoë strode into the lobby and stopped, eyeing the receptionist.
“May I help you?” asked the paper-shuffler with a skeptical look.
“We’re here to be bonded,” replied Zoë breezily.
“Married,” corrected Wash. “I’m the groom. She’s the bride.”
“Will this be just the two of you, then?” asked the receptionist, glancing as Mal and Kaylee followed the happy couple into the room. The question made Kaylee giggle nervously and take a half-step away from the others.
“We’re just friends,” said the mechanic. “I’m the maid of honor,” she added with a bright smile. She didn’t see Zoë roll her eyes.
“I see,” said the receptionist. These outer-rim types and their quaint customs… “I’ll let the notary know you’re here and see if he can squeeze you in, but I doubt he’ll have time for any kind of ceremony. Meanwhile, if you’ll fill out your personal information,” she gestured to a couple of v-paper pads as she left the room.
A sound behind him caused Mal to turn and see Jayne trying to sneak in.
“Uh, Cap’n sir, I hope I’m not late.”
The captain suppressed a laugh at the new crewman’s attire. “No, we all just got here too.”
Jayne looked around at the others and noticed all were dressed in everyday clothes. “Huh. Guess I kinda overdressed.”
Now Mal laughed out loud. Gesturing at Jayne’s tuxedo T-shirt he remarked, “You know, I’ve heard of these but I’ve never seen anyone actually wear one. Jayne, I never would have expected you of all people to own one.”
“Own?”
Mal’s grin faded as he saw Jayne’s confused look. After a couple of abortive attempts to comment, the captain finally just turned and walked away.
“It’s been so long since I’ve been to an actual wedding,” Kaylee told Zoë for the umpteenth time. Then with a tone that was equal parts hurt and gentle reproach she added, “I still don’t understand why you didn’t let me throw you a bridal shower.”
“There are only two women on the crew,” repeated Zoë as she finished her paperwork with the ever-required thumbprint. “Seems a little pointless to go to that much trouble when it’s just the two of us.”
“Oh, on my home moon sometimes a bride would throw a shower all by herself if there’s no other womenfolk around. Getting married is a big deal. I can’t believe it isn’t the same everywhere.”
“On Zoë’s home planet the pre-wedding festivities usually involve throwing heavy objects,” said Wash.
“Sweetheart, how much you think all this is going to matter if I’m not here?” asked Zoë sweetly – causing the hair on the back of Wash’s neck to stand on end.
“Right. No more jokes.”
The receptionist emerged then. “The notary has a few minutes right now, so if you’ll all follow me?”
The notary was a smallish, balding man with the look of having been bred for low-level clerical work. As the crew filed into his office he was standing in front of his desk holding an official-looking presspad. “Who are the parties to this bond?” he asked officiously as Wash and Zoë took their places in front of him.
“We are,” replied Zoë, indicating Wash next to her.
The bureaucrat touched a point on the pad. “Do you both testify,” he enunciated, pronouncing each syllable with the self-consciousness of one who knows he is being recorded, “that you are entering into this bond of your own free will, without duress, and with full understanding of the obligations and responsibilities which go with it?”
“We do,” said Zoë and Wash in near-unison.
“Please state your names and occupations for the record.”
“Zoë Alleyne, second in command of Serenity.”
“Hoban Washburne. Pilot.”
“Hoban?” whispered Jayne, earning a dig in the ribs from Kaylee.
“If you’ll please affirm your bond with your thumbprints here…”
Wash held up one hand nervously. “Uh, could I just have a moment to say something before we do that?”
The notary ground his teeth for a moment, but sighed. “Very well, but I really don’t have a lot of time.”
Wash smiled gratefully, reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a folded piece of old-fashioned paper, which he unfolded. To the bureaucrat’s chagrin it was covered in longhand scrawl. Very small longhand scrawl. Wash cleared his throat and began to read aloud.
A tall bronze goddess appeared one day
And with one look, took my breath away
Her beauty is such that even Venus
Could never hope to come between us…
Everyone let go of a breath except Jayne, who actually seemed a bit disappointed.
Statuesque and self-assured
She can speak volumes with but a word
Not a praying man, yet I did start
Beseeching God, let me win her heart…
On he went, describing Zoë’s virtues and pulchritude, and his desire to win her affection. Mal stood with a patient but perplexed look on his face. Kaylee leaned close and whispered, “This is so sweet!”
“Yeah,” agreed Mal with a slight cough. “Sweet.” He glanced over his shoulder at Jayne, who was wiping his eyes. He wasn’t able to prevent a couple of choice Mandarin phrases from slipping out under his breath, but a quick glance – this time at Kaylee – assured him he had not been overheard.
The attendants couldn’t see Zoë’s face as the epic love poem issued forth, and Wash was too intent on reading. The notary was merely watching Wash read and gradually getting a sinus headache. So only Zoë knew that her expression was exactly the same as if she had taken an unwary step and heard an unpleasant squishing noise from ground level.
Finally the notary could stand no more. He cleared his throat brusquely, stepped forward, and held out the presspad toward Wash. “I’m sorry but I really have to wrap this up and get to my other appointments – ”
He was promptly overshadowed by Zoë, who leaned down close to his face and said, “I’m sorry, did you just say something?”
The bureaucrat’s face paled, then went scarlet. His gaze riveted to Zoë’s, he took one slow, deliberate step back.
Zoë smiled dreamily at her intended. “Please go on, darling.”
Wash’s face lit up with a wide smile and he picked up where he left off.
My beloved, my angel, lady of my heart…
“How much longer can he go on like this?” Mal asked under his breath. Kaylee’s elbow connected painfully with his ribs.
A tall, bronze goddess came into my life
On this day of joy, she is my wife.
With that ending flourish, Wash folded up the paper and put it back in his pocket. The notary had by now been quietly massaging the bridge of his nose for the last several verses, and had to be nudged gently by Zoë before he came back to the moment. “Uh? Oh. Well. That was … beautiful.” He made no attempt to lie gracefully but got away with it anyway. He glanced first at his watch, then his presspad, then finally at Zoë who was regarding him expectantly.
With a sigh the notary nodded to her, “Now I suppose you have a few words of your own?”
“Yes, I do,” said the bride. Facing Wash, she gazed lovingly down at him, cleared her throat, and began to speak.
“My darling, let’s give the man his thumbprints now.”
Wash and Zoë paused in the reception lobby to thumbprint over the small administrative fee for the notarization of their bond, while Kaylee surreptitiously stole some paper cups from next to the water cooler and followed Mal and Jayne outside.
When the newlyweds emerged, Mal turned to Jayne. “Did you bring it?”
“Yeah,” said Jayne, remembering now that he’d been reminded. He reached into his back pocket and brought out a flask. “Nothing better this side of Darvosa.”
Kaylee passed around the paper cups and Jayne poured some of the deep red liquor into each.
“Whoa, Jayne,” said Mal. “Save some for later. Aboard ship.”
Wash carefully held his nearly overflowing cup under his nose and inhaled appreciatively. “Elderberries! Who managed to get this? Ooh, but be careful – you spill this on your clothes you’ll never be able to get the stain out.” Catching Zoë’s questioning look he added, “Trust me on this.”
“A toast,” announced Mal. “To the happy newlyweds: may their lives together be full of joy that does not disrupt operations on my ship.”
“To the newlyweds!” As they raised their cups, Kaylee’s foot slipped and she fell against Jayne.
“Hey!”
“I’m sorry, Jayne, I – oh!”
The others all stared at the deep red splash on the front of Jayne’s shirt.
After a moment’s silence, Mal shook his head. “Well, Jayne, I guess you own that shirt now.”
Jayne’s initial look of indignation was replaced by a sad grimace. “Cap’n sir, I think I’m gonna need an advance on my pay.”
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