It’s over, and good riddance—the most disappointing election year since 1932 (when the Republicans had about as worthy a candidate). With 1997 a-dawning before us, it’s time to take a look into the ol’ crystal ball and see what lies ahead.
January
The biggest news story of the month now upon us will occur on Monday, the 20th, when Mochtar Riady takes delivery of the United States government with the swearing-at—er, I mean “in”—of William Jefferson Blythe Clinton as general mangler of the newest subsidiary of the Lippo Group (what can you expect of a month in which Friday the 13th comes on a Monday—and a week late?).
Nevertheless, Clinton will manage to startle those three or four journalists on hand who are still capable of cognitive processes when, instead of delivering an inaugural address, he enters a plea.
Just six days later, the Super Bowl will be held in New Orleans, and in honor of the host city’s most psychotic resident the half-time entertainment will feature James Carville and his newly formed band, the Reign of Error, as they debut their chart-topping smash song-and-dance, “Starr Wars: The Defendant’s Mouthpiece Strikes Back.“
Also slated to premiere during the game’s worldwide broadcast will be the kickoff of the AFL-CIO’s 1998 propaganda campaign, with ads blaming Newt Gingrich and the Republicans in Congress for the Big Freeze that recently struck the Pacific Northwest.
February
After just one month, the 105th Congress will be rocked by a brand-new series of accusations against Speaker Newt Gingrich, all filed by embittered House Minority Wimp David Bonior. Among the charges: that Gingrich habitually fails to consult a dictionary when he is unsure of how to spell a multisyllabic word. Moderate House Republicans will be askance at the seriousness of these charges, and will call for Gingrich to step aside as speaker until they can be fully investigated.
But the biggest news story will come from across the pond, as the British government seeks to divorce Queen Elizabeth’s husband, the Duke of Edinburgh, over his remarks against the new law banning all guns from the sceptered isle. The Prince of Wales will be seen looking relieved as Fleet Street’s worst finally catch scent of royal prey other than himself, giving him time for a relaxing game of polo.
March
Big Media will be shocked—shocked!—when it is revealed that yet another study has found that reporters, editors, and producers in the upper-echelon press are overwhelmingly liberal. The shock will not be over the reports, but over their source: the same outfit that does the exit polling for the networks on Election Day. This organization will reveal that 93 percent of the precincts at which they deployed people to conduct exit polls were populated by Big Media faces, and that all but one of those faces voted for Clinton. The exception, whose name will be withheld out of concern for his safety, will issue an anonymous statement insisting that his ballot was misread. For weeks after, the Sunday morning babble shows will focus on how the exit-polling agency violated the terms of the agreement it had with Big Media.
April
Halfway through this month of spring’s return, some 49 percent of those voting in the last election will awaken from their stupor as they file their income tax returns. The most effective solution to this problem, which stems from most Americans now having the attention span of a hyperactive hydrangea, would be to move Income Tax Day to the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November, and making the act of filing federal tax returns a part of the voting process. No one in a position to bring about this change will propose doing so—which will not qualify as news.
May
The desecration of Memorial Day will continue as President Bill Clinton lays a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknowns.
June
One of the Little Three television networks will incorporate into its nightly news broadcast a feature describing the “Right-Wing Militia Bust of the Week,“ and most of the reports will focus on twisting the arrests in question around to argue that the Brady Law’s “mandatory” background checks would have prevented these “extremists” from conspiring to overthrow the government (yes, I know the law is on the books, but in Big Media’s wonderland, facts are irrelevant). The series will continue right up until the Supreme Court issues its ruling on a Tenth Amendment challenge to Brady, which will happen in…
July
...and will result in a 5-4 ruling freeing local police chiefs and sheriffs from having to serve as uncompensated federal agents. In reaction to this ruling, the usual suspects will appear on network television, telling sympathetic anchorcritters how many millions of poor, underprivileged children will die tonight because of this unconscionable defense of the U.S. Constitution.
August
The dog days will be a busy time for Big Media, as a simmering standoff over welfare reform re-reform threatens to erupt into another AFL-CIO-orchestrated passion play pitting the forces of light (defenders of compassionate big government) against the forces of evil (spiteful fiscal conservatives who look at the poor and elderly and see a cheap source of pet food). This epic Ragnarok will fizzle, however, when the hype threatens to overshadow the hype surrounding the pre-announcement of the pre-release of the pre-beta version of Windows 97 (now scheduled for April 1999), causing Microsoft pontiff Bill Gates to order John Sweeney to stand down. Since the labor conglomerate’s money-laundering records are all handled by computers running Windows, Sweeney will have no choice but to obey.
What will be overlooked in August will be the formal renaming of Salt Lake City as New Jakarta, as Lippo buys the mineral rights to Utah’s new Mochtar Riady National Monument and commands President Clinton to rescind his executive order closing off the coal reserves therein.
September
All of the Little Three networks, plus CNN, the Washington Post, New York Times, USA Today, Time and Newsweek will take the month off, running a series of “Best of” compilations, coincidentally happening as Kenneth Starr presents his findings on Whitewater to Congress. As a result, the top news story of September 1997 will be the first moon landing.
October
When Big Media returns to its regular programming, the first major breaking news event will be President Al Gore’s call for a ban on synthetic carpet fibers after James Carville nearly chokes to death on a deep-pile shag. If anyone thinks to ask why Gore is president, no one in Big Media will bother to answer.
November
Notorious scandal-sheet Weekly World News will print photos of a mysterious man seen in Rio de Janeiro, and will identify the man as a recently deposed U.S. president. The claim will be ridiculed by the usual suspects.
Meanwhile, an IRS audit of Kenneth Starr will culminate in the public announcement, before a grand jury can even be empaneled to consider the evidence, that he will be indicted for unspecified violations that—as a result of a recently-signed compromise budget bill—carry the death penalty. When it is announced the indictment will be sought in Arkansas, Starr drops out of sight.
After one too many Justice Department investigations into Microsoft Corporation’s business practices, the company’s Fearless Leader will develop and release a product called “Virtual Attorney General for Windows 95,“ featuring a broad-shouldered female multimedia character who will serve as a problem-solver for the operating system, torching misbehaving files and creating “independent counsel” utilities to deal with stubborn hardware conflicts. Microsoft will then sue Janet Reno for copyright infringement.
December
After a divisive and tumultuous year, the nation will once again come together in good will and friendship as President and Mrs. Gore light the National Winter Solstice Tree and wish all their fellow Americans a happy and environmentally-friendly Kwanzaa.
