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Tue 22 Oct 1996 18:32
by Kevin McGehee
in North Pole, Alaska
[Humor?]
[Get Offa My Lawn!]
[My Two Cents]
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PRESS RELEASE In deference to the fact that people get the government they deserve, we are proud to announce the formation of HellPAC—the PAC from Hell—for the purpose of ensuring that people deserve the government they’re getting.
Everyone alive today knows what it’s like to live under high taxes and big government, while there are very few people left who remember what it’s like to live under the alternative—and as the saying goes, “Better the Devil you know…“ Therefore, HellPAC has been established with a bold, but very simple, mission: to preserve high taxes and big government by any means necessary.
With a major national election soon to take place, HellPAC’s directors wish to take this opportunity to inform the electorate of our perspective on certain key races, and our endorsements therein. The presidential race, of course, tops our list.
This year’s selection was a tough decision to make. While the incumbent, Bill Clinton, has a record, established during the first half of his first term, of promoting to the best of his ability the expansion of government and the elevation of tax rates beyond the wildest dreams of his most—er—progressive predecessors, in the last two years he has uttered some unfortunate assertions, such as, “The era of big government is over,“ and the like. We confess we find such remarks profoundly troubling. He also signed into law a bill that begins the process (a trifling beginning, true, but nevertheless a beginning) of turning back the clock on entrapping the neediest Americans in an endless morass of dependency and self-induced helplessness (one of our favorite programs!). Nor are we thrilled with his recent talk of a middle-class tax cut.
However, we have been reminded that Mr. Clinton made this same tax-cut promise four years ago and neglected to do anything to bring it about, which—though not exactly pro-active toward big government—does nevertheless mean profits for another branch of our parent corporation…
Mr. Clinton’s Republican challenger, Bob Dole, has done a number of laudable things during his seemingly interminable Senate career, such as defending certain agricultural subsidies. Unfortunately, his record on entitlements, which contribute real substance to federal budget growth, is lukewarm at best. Compared to Mr. Clinton, whose early program included seizing one-seventh of the American economy and turning it into an expensive, unresponsive federal bureaucracy, Mr. Dole is a mere dilettante. And although Mr. Dole’s Senate record on tax increases deserves great credit, there are those on our Board of Directors who do suspect his current talk of a 15% tax cut, if elected, may be reprehensibly sincere. These worries are rooted in our senior directors’ deep understanding of the connection between physical courage, which Mr. Dole shamelessly displayed during the Second World War, and that disgusting character flaw, honesty.
In terms of character, in fact, we find Mr. Clinton to be far the more preferable candidate. He lies, philanders, steals, abuses power, sells influence, and is just an all-around better man. For these reasons, we think Mr. Clinton is far more likely than his opponent to act boldly, upon winning re-election, to stab his supporters in the back in a most commendable fashion. Furthermore—and this we find gratifying beyond words—he has shown a unique talent for making his victims grateful for the betrayal. Without doubt, a most satisfying prospect.
For this reason, we overlook Mr. Clinton’s conservative pretensions and his carefully cultivated image as a man of deep conviction and compassion, and bestow upon him our most heartfelt endorsement.
We do not wish to overlook the less prominent candidates in the race. Mr. Ross Perot, of course, has been one of our most promising associates, but we have a duty to point out that many of his most admirable deeds in the last few years have been committed, not out of a desire to abet our cause in any way, but due to his unfortunate condition. A man of strong will and profound ambition, he was unable to rein in his best qualities (pride, covetousness, etc.). On an individual scale we find this agreeable, but Mr. Perot no longer has any value to us as a public figure.
We are given to understand that many of our most dedicated opponents are promoting the candidacy of Mr. Harry Browne, nominee of the Libertarian Party, as the “purest” choice. Some of our greatest advancements have been with the help of those so intent upon purity that they leave the incrementalist road wide open for our use. We see no reason to expect that to change, and wish Mr. Browne well—though if truth be told (and sometimes, unfortunately, it must) we doubt a withdrawal on his part would affect the likely outcome of this year’s race.
Anyway, that is our assessment of the 1996 presidential contest. We hope this information will be helpful.
To those wishing to contribute to HellPAC: we are grateful that you want to help promote our cause, and appreciate your desire to give us what you can—however, we must remind each of you that, in the end, we’ll get it all from you anyway.
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